Gottman validating communication
Repeatedly turning against or turning away, over time, harms relationships. When you find yourself in a heated argument over something ridiculous like not emptying the dishwasher, it's not about the dishwasher.Often it's because of the lack of respect or attention conveyed when you rejected or ignored those prior five bids.From If you could carefully observe and analyze those encounters — as my research colleagues and I have done — you would see how each one is made up of many smaller exchanges. Like cells of the body or bricks of a house, such exchanges are the primary components of emotional communication. So how much of what we say is really about the information? And their sending it might mean, "I care about you enough to send you stuff that interests you. " A co-worker might say, "We should hang out sometime." Here in Los Angeles this means, "I'd rather crawl naked across four miles of broken glass than ever see you again," but in civilized parts of the world it often means, "I think you're cool and want to spend more time with you. If you want to nurture a deeper emotional connection with somebody, turn toward that person as often as you can. This isn't just important for romantic relationships — it's the bedrock of all relationships.Each exchange contains emotional information that can strengthen or weaken connections between people. "It's a beautiful day" doesn't convey valuable data. Turning toward means agreeing, supporting, or at least acknowledging the bid. From Children who habitually turn toward their playmates form friendships more easily.And you want to learn more about your own bids and what you can do to make sure others are getting the message about your needs. You know that when you're out of town and your partner texts, "How are things going? They need to hear, "I miss you." So start paying more attention. Build yourself a "bid roadmap" for each of the key people in your life: When you really get good at this it's like a superpower.You're responding to their feelings instead of just their words, and that's what really improves relationships.Turning against a bid is giving a belligerent or argumentative reply.
In fact, Gottman says the bid is "the fundamental unit of emotional communication." And this was true for all relationships, not just romantic. " That article your friend texted you might contain useful information. Sometimes we No surprise; turning toward bids is what builds stable, long-lasting relationships. I'm on your side." High energy responses, eye contact, and enthusiasm all get you extra credit.
If you can see past a person's anger, sadness, or fear to recognize the hidden need, you open up new possibilities for a relationship.